The Princess and the Courtier
by The Robin
Summary: One day The Princess is riding her faithful Mulicorn around the kingdom when she is spotted by the villainous Courtier, who falls in love with her, brain washes her, and carries her off. The Mulicorn is left to figure out the situation.


Once upon a time, there was a princess. This was the COOLEST princess you could ever meet, she had the most awesome collection of shoes. Walls of Prada, rooms of Jimmy Choos, and closests packed to bursting with Steve Madden mules. She raced horses, climbed mountains, and always had an impeccable manicure to show off.  
One day a new courtier came to the kingdom. This guy was an artist, an actor, and rather...diminutive in size. He was walking the kingdom, searching for a new subject to paint when he caught sight of the illustrious and gorgeous princess riding her horse (a mule and unicorn hybrid). He gasped (GASP!) he was in awe (Ah!) and generally he was struck by her beauty and grandeur.  
The princess brought her "mulicorn " to a halt and caught her breath.  
"My, the hills are alive with the sound of music today!"  
"That sounds familiar," her mulicorn said.  
"Oh, who's that?" She asked, pointing out the courtier. The courtier, noticing he had her attention, immediately began preening, fluffing his fro. The mulicorn looked his way and snorted.  
"Looks like a bigger jack ass than me."  
"Hush, let's go meet him." She urged the mulicorn forth to meet the courtier, who saw he had the advantange and pushed it thus:  
"Hello, fair maiden. I caught sight of you from yonder hill and couldn't help but notice that you have such a symmetrical nose."  
"Oh why thank - wait, what?"  
"Your facial features are perfect! And your hair, ah me! How lovely you would look spread out -"  
"Hey now!" the mulicorn said.  
"-On a canvas."  
"Oh...well thankyou, I think," the princess said. The courtier continued to woo her in unbridled fashion until the mulicorn felt fairly nauseous but the princess appeared to be swept off her feet.  
He suddenly rushed towards her."I love you, you idiot!"  
"Wha-what?"   
"I LOVE YOU! AND IF YOU DONT AGREE THEN YOU'RE JUST STUPID AND SHOULD KNOW THAT WE WILL END UP TOGETHER!" The princess and the mulicorn exchanged similar looks that said all too clearly (oooookkaaay).  
"Well, I don't think I'm quite ready to -"   
"THAT'S NOT MY PROBLEM THAT'S YOU'RE PROBLEM, YOU SLEEP NOW." The courtier artist-actor-midget was also a magician! He cast a spell on the princess and carried her far away from her faithful mulicorn, locking her up in a tower that had no door, no windows, and a TV that played reruns of The Odd Couple.

Meanwhile, the mulicorn had sat down on it's haunches and tried to think through the problem.  
"Problem: my princess has been captured and entranced by an evil courtier-artist-actor/magi

cian who has brainwashed her into thinking she is in love with him. Answer?" The mulicorn paused.  
"PANIC! AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" 

The mulicorn was sitting dejectedly on the edge of the hillside, knowing there was no possible way it could rescue it's princess because a.) it didn't have wings and b.) the princess was under a spell and brainwashed.   
So what could the mulicorn do?  
The mulicorn decided to consult the wisest, the noblest, the respected...  
Magic Eight Ball.

Mulicorn traveled to the kingdom's arcade and spoke with the manager and told him the details of what had happened and how the kingdom was in grave danger unless the princess was released. The manager was touched by the story.  
"Dude - that sucks."   
"So I need to borrow the magic eight ball so I can figure out what to do." The manager got out from behind the arcade counter and faced the mulicorn head on.  
"Dude, you dont need a magic eight ball to figure this out! Just go and beat that punk's head in!"  
"I'm a mulicorn, not a stallion. Things don't work like that."  
"So?"  
"Oh. Okay."  
So the mulicorn left the arcade to rescue the princess, but as luck would have it, the mulicorn met the "couple" on the road!  
"Why hey there, mulicorn, how ya doing?" The courtier-artist-actor/magi

cian smiled for all he was worth as the princess stared into space, oblivious to everything, looking quite miserable. The mulicorn looked back and forth between them, confused.  
"You have got to be kidding me." The courtier-artist-actor/magi

cian frowned.  
"What do you mean?"  
"What do I mean? WHAT DO I MEAN? You capture my princess, brainwash her, and then come out in public and try to act like we're BUDDIES? COME ON!"  
"Now mulicorn, I told you from the very beginning that I loved the princess and if she wasn't going to accept that then she was just being stupid. I think I've made my intentions very clear, and you should know that she belongs to me."  
A heavy silence followed his words, as well as an increasing air of misery from the princess. The mulicorn was losing speech capabilities as the situation seemed to become more conflicted.  
"What the fuck is wrong with you, you twirly-headed prick?!" All of a sudden the courtier-artist-actor/magi

cian seemed to swell up and his eyes bulged unattractively. The princess shrank away from him, trying not to watch his transformation.  
"Excuse me? YOU WANNA FUCK WITH ME, MULE?" The mulicorn froze. Nobody had ever insulted the mulicorn in it's life, but a mule? A mule? That was going a little far. But then...as the mulicorn watched, the courtier expanded and grew red with rage, she noticed the gleam of intelligence leaving his eyes. His dimeanor became rough, and his fingers stubby. His rage had diminished him somehow, so he was less of a man than he had been before. He looked more like a giant pygmy with an afro. The mulicorn watched all of this with great interest, forgetting the insult that had been delivered.  
"MULE...MULE..." The courtier repeated with a voice like a smashed accordian, breathing heavily.  
Suddenly the princess looked at the courtier. Her eyes widened. As the mulicorn watched her, a consciousness seemed to return to her gaze. A moment passed in which the princess's mouth opened as though to speak, but then she blinked. In this very long blink, the courtier-artist-actor/magi

cian realized he was losing control of the situation. He sucked in a deep breath, released it, sucked it in, released it. Eventually he was back to his original size. There was no trace of the monster that had been there before.  
The courtier-artist-actor/magi

cian glared at the mulicorn, then turned on his heel and walked away. When he was fifteen yards from them, he stopped and turned his cold gaze on the princess who, though she had not seen him, shuddered and turned to go.  
"Wait!" The mulicorn cried. The princess paused, her eyes trained on those of the courtier's...but she waited. "Where are you going?" The courtier's eyes flashed angrily, and she shuddered again. When she spoke, it was in a whisper.  
"With my love."  
"Please don't. He's bad. Can't you see?"  
"I can't help it." And then when she could resist the pull of the courtier no more, she staggered to meet him at the edge of the path. The mulicorn hung it's head and sighed.  
"What will I do...what can I do?"

A harsh bleakness had fallen over the land. The flowers continued to grow, but only the color white, and the grass faded to a strange brownish color. The trees were grey with sun-bleach, no color remained in this barren wasteland, though life seemed to thrive. This place gave the great disguise of being alive even though it was dieing from the inside out.

The mulicorn wandered through the forest. It was a desolate sort of creature. The only human that the mulicorn had ever known was the princess. The princess had been it's leader, and now the mulicorn was lost without her direction. There was a sort of wound in the mulicorn's chest, a cavity that had been dug when the princess had left. With time it festered until the mulicorn became accustomed to the pain. But mulicorns are beasts of burden as well as magic, so the pain did not destroy it.

One day when the mulicorn was walking in the woods, it spotted someone very strange in the woods. This person was a woman. She was tall and slim. She wore trousers and a dark jacket, she carried a notebook and a pen with her and that was all. The mulicorn wondered at the woman's strange smile; this wasn't the safest place to wander, especially for someone armed only with pen and paper. But when the mulicorn stopped in front of her, she only continued smiling wisely.

"Hello."

"Hello," she said back.

"Who are you?" The mulicorn asked.

"I'm a doctor."

"I'm not injured," the mulicorn told her. The doctor smiled sadly.

"Yes you are, but I am not the one to help you with that. I am here to see the princess."

"The princess? Really? Well...I don't know where she is, no one has seen her for a long time." The doctor glanced around.

"Yes, that would appear to be true," she touched a pale, sickly looking leaf on a bush, which crumpled to dust. "Where can I find her?" The doctor said.

"I don't know."

"Yes you do." The mulicorn paused, this doctor was a strange woman. She wasn't like anyone from this world.

"The princess is with the Courtier." The doctor's face tightened as she looked around the woods.

"Any idea where that is?" The mulicorn lowered it's head, then looked up, towards the center of the forest.

"There." It was like a marble finger rising out of the debris of the forest, it shone palely in the sunlight and blinded all who looked upon it at midday. The tower.

The path around the tower was worn, mostly because the mulicorn walked it day after day, without realizing that it was a circle and lead to nowhere. Outside of the tower stood the king and queen, both looked up at the tower desperately, shading their eyes against the sun. The queen held fast to the hand of her beloved king, her eyes creased with worry and sadness. The king somberly removed his crown and placed it on the ground next to his feet. "I can't rule without my princess here. Oh, my daughter! You came to us, and now you leave too soon!"

The doctor knocked on the bricked side of the tower, immediately the bricks slid apart in the shape of a doorway. The mulicorn was too depressed to wonder why the doctor was allowed entrance so easily, but followed sedately behind.

Once inside, they began walking down the staircase instead of up it.

"Isn't she upstairs?" The mulicorn asked suddenly.

"Oh no, he keeps her down below." The doctor's conclusion seemed correct as they descended lower and heard the sound of loud voices being raised.

Or rather, one voice.

His words slashed against the walls of the tower, echoing up and over their heads and then coming back again. Firelight began to flicker as they circled lower and lower, and as they neared the bottom, the mulicorn's hearts began to thud faster and faster.

Then suddenly the voice stopped. The doctor froze on the stairway, and looked back at the mulicorn.

"He knows you're here."

"Me? What about you?"

"I don't matter to him – the princess called me here without his knowledge. But he'll know soon enough." And then there came the sound of a storm, a gale that was blowing up the stairs and into their midst. It was blue and black and was so cold that icicles began to form on the mulicorn's fur. The doctor stood unscathed however, her perfect hair all in array and her stance strong. The wind didn't affect her at all, but it gusted fiercely at the mulicorn. Then with a claxon-like sound, it dissipated and blew up the stairway, out of the tower. The doctor watched it appraisingly. "He lost his temper. He shouldn't have done that, now he's only made my job easier." The doctor lead the mulicorn to the end of the staircase, where they now encountered a large wooden door. It was ornately designed with fairies and wood elves dancing along it's surface grandeur. The doctor looked at it a moment, then nodded to herself and knocked on the door. The mulicorn looked doubtfully at the doctor, thinking the door would be locked and they would have a better chance of just storming the castle, so to speak.

But the door opened, and they entered into a darkness so thick that it pressed upon their eyelids. They could feel it as a presence against their faces. What kind of magic was this?

"Princess?" The doctor called out. There was a shuffling noise and then an "ow!" but then there was a voice.

"I'm here, who is it?"

"I am the doctor. I have come to help you. You called me, remember?"

"Oh yes…I remember." The mulicorn shifted unsteadily and brushed against something hard. The mulicorn was not an especially graceful sort of creature and knew that if the lights were not turned on soon, it was going to crash into something.

"I can't see anything," the mulicorn whispered to the doctor.

"Oh yes. Princess, why don't you turn on a light?" This question was met with silence.

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"I've tried to…I have very beautiful looking match boxes around here…somewhere. But, when I strike them they go out in a instant. Actually, they won't even strike anymore. They used to light up for a moment and then go out."

"How can we rescue her if we can't see anything?"

"Hush," was all the doctor replied. "Listen to me, princess, you called me here to help you. Remember? You invoked the magical right to receive help. I am here now. So tell me, why are you here?"

"What?" The doctor spoke a little louder.

"Why are you here?" The princess banged against something else and muttered a quick curse before settling back into the spot she was at before.

"This is where I live."

"You live here, in the darkness? But how?"

"Oh, it's not so bad. It's nice actually. The courtier is a lovely gentleman, he brings me food and wine. He visits me often. He is so sweet! He brings me the most lovely gifts."

"But…how can you see them? It is so dark here."

"I…well, when he brings them to me, he lights a match and I can see them for an instant. But when he leaves again…"

"So the courtier is a gentleman?"

"Oh yes! He is so sweet to me, there were other princesses who came before me whom did not receive nearly so much attention. He has pursued me for days. He is very passionate. Even when he's angry."

"Yes. We heard some of that."

"Oh, well. He was just upset because of something I did, it was nothing really."

"What did you do?"

"The courtier was going off to another kingdom to complete a mission, and he wanted me by his side. But the sun hurts me eyes so when I go up, I asked to stay here. He became angry and said that I was not supporting his artistic vision, he yelled…" She trailed off. The doctor laid a comforting hand on the mulicorn's shoulder, who was trembling with anger.

"And then you showed up and he became so angry. He seemed to think the mulicorn was with you, he said 'You would speak with that half-assed animal before you would speak with me! I forbid it! You are mine!' And then he left. He really hates the mulicorn."

"Hmm, I wonder why." The doctor said rather innocently.

"The mulicorn didn't like it when he took me away. It tried to tell me…"

"What? Go on?"

"Well, it was speaking to the courtier, but I think it was trying to tell me that this was wrong. What he was doing was wrong." The doctor stayed silent a moment, considering. Then she spoke.

"Princess, I have the mulicorn with me now."

"Oh! Mulicorn! Where are you? Speak to me!" The mulicorn was dumbfounded. The princess wanted to see it? She wanted the mulicorn?

"I am here."

"Mulicorn, I wanted so badly to come and see you, but he wouldn't like that so I had to stay."

"Mulicorn, say what you want to say." The doctor told it. The mulicorn swallowed heavily. This was a very important thing happening, the mulicorn could ruin it with one word. How could it speak? "Please, I trust you." The mulicorn tried.

"I…was trying to speak to you. I was trying to rescue you. He is a bad man." The sound of sobbing reached their ears, and the mulicorn's throat closed up tight. Mulicorns couldn't cry, it would mean something terrible was happening in the world. So the mulicorn's eyes stayed dry.

"I know! I know he's wrong, I just… he chases me so passionately, it makes me think he loves me because he runs so fast."

"But the whole world chases you, princess! The entire kingdom looks at you and wants you to be a part of them, they love you and they would never do any of this to you! They would never put you in the dark, yell at you, hurt you as he has done!" The princess wept in the darkness. The doctor spoke.

"Princess, it's time for us to leave." The mulicorn turned it's head sharply, glaring in the direction of the doctor. They would NOT be leaving the princess! But the princess seemed shocked as well.

"Take me with you! Please!"

"You want to come?"

"Yes!"

"Then light a match and come to us!" Silence. More silence.

The mulicorn felt a strange stirring of excitement in it's belly. As the faint noise of hands scrabbling in the dark reached them, the mulicorn knew what was coming and it waited with it's breath held.

The sound of sulfur igniting and a flash of gold! Across the room, the mulicorn could see the face of the princess, eyes squinting against the light, looking for them.

"Light a lantern." The doctor ordered. The light dipped low as the princess obeyed, and suddenly the entire room was bathed in the warm light of the brass lantern the princess held in her hands. She looked around the room, confused. The mulicorn and the doctor did the same.

There was a mountain of shoes in one corner, all of fine leather quality and beautiful towering stilettos. Cloths of many luxuriant textures and rich colors decorated the walls and ceiling. There were boxes of chocolate, an army of mannequins draped in gorgeous gowns, and an entire wardrobe dedicated to jewelry that sparkled.

The princess took it all in with wide eyes. She looked to the doctor and the mulicorn and said, "He brought all this to me. But…" she looked bother suddenly, "how could I have ever seen it in the dark?" She ran a nervous hand over a dress that was midnight blue. "They were never mine." She walked away from the dresses to the doctor and the mulicorn, but then stopped as she spotted an 200 GB Ipod on a table.

"But this was." She tucked it into her pocket and winked at the mulicorn, who's heart leapt.

"We must go now, when he returns he will be very angry. You must not be nearby when that happens." The princess nodded once. Suddenly there was a noise behind them. They turned to see the army of mannequins twitching.

"Oh crap," the mulicorn said as the mannequins advanced on them. The doctor glanced once at them.

"Get on the mulicorn's back," she instructed the princess, who obeyed immediately. "Now go!"

"What about you?"

"They can't hurt me." The mulicorn turned to go as the doctor slammed the door shut to the room. "Wait a minute, that doesn't mean you can leave me!" The doctor hopped up onto the mulicorn's back as well and they galloped up the stairs to the very top of the tower. "Close your eyes, princess or you'll be blinded!" The princes threw her hands up over her eyes just as they burst through the door of the tower into the brightest day the kingdom had ever seen. The mulicorn galloped to a stop just at the tree line, then waited for the princess and the doctor to slide off.

"You did it! You did it! You saved my princess!" The king cried, and the queen came forward to hug her daughter tightly.

"I did nothing," the doctor said tersely, then smiled. "It was the princess." Speaking of which, the doctor handed the princess some Oakley's, which she snapped on to her face happily.

The mulicorn pranced around the yard, whinnying happily, and a great party was looking to be started when suddenly – BOOM!

The door to the tower crashed open once again and the courtier-artist-actor/magician burst through, looking infuriated. The king stepped in front of the princess as she opened her mouth to speak and said, "I'll take care of this honey."

"I want to see the princess!" The courtier bellowed. The king was taller than the courtier by several feet, and looked at him smugly.

"You need to go on home, boy. Go home and figure out why you're such an unhappy person."

"I NEED TO SEE THE PRINCESS, NOW GET OUT OF MY WAY-" The king slipped a cell phone out of his pocket and pressed SEND and typed the number 9.

"You wanna push me?" He typed 1. "Huh? You wanna push me?" The courtier glared at the king.

"Fuck you!" A string of profanities followed the party as they walked away from the sad little man and his tower, laughing joyously and celebrating the return of the princess.

The kingdom blushed with vibrant color again, and the land was rich and fertile. Peace and happiness had been restored. And as the princess turned to the mulicorn and smiled, the sun glinted on her Oakley's, they both knew that this was a new beginning.

"Hey, you wanna go for a ride?"

"Okay."

THE END


End file.
